Next they’ll make ‘em out of rubber.

News from the you-have-got-to-be-kidding-me department: a company in the United Kingdom, which manufactures knives and other kitchen utensils, has designed and will soon sell a squared-off tip version of the cutting tool.

I kid you not.

The manufacturer says the new design is a direct response to the rise of knife crime in England and Wales over the past few years, in particular the last year.

In a news release quoted by mainstream media sites the company explains, “With knife-related crime incidents at a record high and a reported 285 fatalities in the last 12 months alone, the UK Government has taken the decision to reclassify kitchen knives as an offensive weapon with the new Offensive Weapons Act 2019, leading some retailers to remove single knives from sale in retail stores.”

“Sweet Jesus and Holy Mary, Mother of God.” That was an exact quote from my brain yesterday after I finished reading the article.

A kitchen knife – long a necessity in meal prep work and even in eating the said meal (ever tried cutting a steak with a butter knife?) – is now considered an offensive weapon.

Admittedly there has been a sharp (yep, go ahead and groan at that one) uptick in knife crimes reported, not only in the UK but in countries around the globe. But if you really look at it, there’s been a pretty danged big rise in violent crimes as a whole, of which knives were a comparatively small component.

We are trying to kill ourselves. Note I didn’t say “each other.” Boiling it all down to what I consider a common denominator, we’re trying to eradicate the single largest threat to life on this planet – human beings.

Being a human being meownself, let me ask you this: those knives accused of such heinous crimes … did they actually fling themselves through the air at their intended victim?

No. They did not. They were chosen and utilized by human beings bent on death and hell.

Meaning, and I’m only explaining it because I want to be understood perfectly, the blame is once again being placed incorrectly.

The knives didn’t get up on the wrong side of the cutlery drawer one morning and say to themselves, “Self, let’s go out and hurt or kill somebody. I’m in just one of those moods when I want to cause fear and terror and leave blood and pain in my path.”

For the lack of a better way of putting it, the knives are innocent bystanders in this whole scenario. They are bearing the brunt of blame for crimes they didn’t commit.

Why isn’t the person holding the knife being held accountable? Why is the person only an accomplice, an accessory after the fact?

There was a human being holding that knife who had a bad day, a bad week, a bad month, a bad year, a bad life, and decided it was time to get some sort of cockeyed justice for all they had endured. There was a human being holding that knife who was so warped by hatred, misplaced and irrational, they constructed a scene in their mind of success, of some sort of win based on the number of injured or dead they left behind. There was a human being holding the handle of that knife who felt justified in their actions when no justification could ever exist for their actions.

The knife didn’t cut anyone.

The person did.

Why, then, is the knife being changed, altered, revised, modified?

Why isn’t the person, and others like him or her, undergoing the human equivalent of remodeling or overhauling?

This is the same argument I’ve made in terms of gun violence. Gun violence is at an all-time high. There are a million and one reasons for that increase. There are all sorts of gun laws, gun changes, gun bans on the books.

But those guns, like the knives beside them, didn’t do the deed on their own.

It was the people holding them who pulled the trigger.

Yet, it’s the guns being held to a higher standard than the people who wielded them.

And while we’re on the subject, even though we weren’t, when will the video games full of violence going to be charged for their contribution to the crime wave?

Don’t give me that. There have been countless studies by men and women who have tiptoed through enough brains who say the link between violence viewed and played on video games has a direct impact on the conscious behavior of the players, increasing the likelihood of violent acts at a rate that should cause alarm. It’s not only video games. It’s movies and television shows which depict thugs as heroes, violence as glamorous, and death as an inevitability and the harder you die the better it will feel. So why respect life, why treasure others and do everything in your power to keep them alive and well?

I don’t understand it. Maybe I will be granted the discernment eventually. For now, though, I’m as lost as everyone else. The only advantage I have is I know not to blame the inanimate objects.

As one commenter wrote about this stub-point cutting-edge news about he knives (I do love my puns), “Well, that takes care of the stabby, what about the slashy?”

I have a feeling we’re going to see a new style of forks, too.

No tines.

-Jean Henderson is a columnist for the Citizen Tribune.